bhenderson

Final

2006-08-01T21:31:09Z

Due to the IC death of the character, this journal will no longer be updated. I will keep the account active for a little while in order to keep up with the pack. If; at some point in the future, I create another wolf, I might use this account to post.

As is typical, there are some things that I wish had happened differently. It would have been nice if I felt that anyone understood Bri, but I don't. Even those who were supposed to love her did not really know her. David, Kira, Tatum and Waylon came closest. Nahele next. Zane; ironically was entirely out of the ball park as far as I can tell. Guess she was really just a fuck-buddy, non? I guess I wished that I felt she made a difference. That any of the living really cared. That someone would miss her beyond the next week or so. She won't be. Se la vie. ;)

I wanted to take a moment to thank those in the pack who made RP there special. In no particular order:

David, Zane, Kira, and Nahele - The pack would not be the same without you. Will not be the same.

Scott, Waylon and Tatum - Thank you. In many ways, you helped get Bri through the hard times more than anyone.

Faith, Ginessa, Daine, Kayleigh, Kama, Grace, Seth, Trinity, Jolene, Paint - In large ways and small you helped shape who Bri became.

Desdemona, Heather, Kelsey, Sawyer, Maricela - Though I did not know you very well ICly, I appreciated the scenes we did have together.

If I have missed anyone, I am sorry about that. I'm running on next to no sleep.

It is funny. I knew this character was doomed from the start, though I had hopes for her. She had issues, but who didn't? She had integrity and honor. Oh, others do too, but she was my character so I knew the depth of her heart and soul better than any other character. Maybe it would have been easier if I had just let her dive off the building during her puphood. ;)

My opinion of the pack is that there are still some pretty severe issues. Maybe things will improve now that Zane has shown his colors. But, I doubt it. The problem is not; and has not been, primarily with Zane. Were I asked, I would say not to open the pack yet. Let things settle. No, I do not think Bri's death is all that important, but the event was. David's death was. Kira's too, in a way. Daine? Yes. Her death mattered. Why? David was Fenrir, but went against Zane because he was afraid for the Pack. Kira; too, was afraid for the Pack. Daine's mattered because; even though she was the Ulfric's favorite of his lady friends, she made herself the lone-wolf and was; thus, a threat to the Pack integrity. Until the issues that drove these to choose that path are resolved, it will happen again. And again.

There are other things I could say, but why? Zane? Watch your back. Things are not as they seem. ;)

Have fun, all.

-Bri's player

Diary

2006-07-11T07:41:15Z

Dear Diary,

I think I am a little loopy still from last night. David and I spent the Full Moon in and around the camp we set up. It is on the periphery of the territory claimed by the fellow who infected me. Having smelled his land, I think I know what it was that made him attack me. He has a field of cannabis in there hidden amid the other underbrush. It is a fairly large field by the smell of it. Probably a mexican variety of plant. I am guessing that it is his cash crop as well as for personal use. I should, as a good Forest Services Employee, turn him in to my boss. I probably will. Assuming he is still around to be turned in once I finish with him. My intentions are not charitable. When did I become so violent? Oh. Right. When I was infected.

Spending the moon with David was bliss. We did not follow the rituals that Zane has to do, but we were not with the Pack so maybe it did not matter. We stood together beneath the overhanging branches of the trees as the moon rose over a small stream. Watching the moon reflected in the water gave me pause to think about how we; too, are a reflection of the changeable nature of humanity. More visibly than humans, perhaps.

I got to thinking about the Lobos Creek Pack. There are a lot of good people there and I miss them. Zane, Nahele and Kira. Scott and Waylon. Mara. Faith. Trinity. Daine. Kayleigh. Kelsey. Des. The new people...

I came to realize that I do not know the pack as well as I thought I did. Names and faces tend to swim in and out of focus and we have only been gone about a week. Does that mean that the pack is not really home? Not really family? Or, does it mean that my memory simply sucks?

Perhaps a little of both.

David and I hunted together last night as mated wolves. We both bristled on finding spoor of the one who infected me. I think we will confront him before the weekend. I wonder if he remembers me at all, or if I am just one of many. Unsettling thought.

We return to the Lobos Creek pack on Monday. We'll have to see how things are there. The Sacramento Pack has been kind to us, though a little more reserved than I am used to. I hope things are more settled at home. I hope it feels like home when we get back.

Diary

2006-07-08T11:44:08Z

Dear Diary,

Well, we have been away for just under a week now. It has been an astonishing few days. David is a wonderful woodsman. He has been spending time either with me or; if I am working, by himself. I think he is learning how to be in his own skin, which is nice. He is losing that frenetic feeling day by day. When I return to our camp each day, he looks at me with new eyes and his smile is more complete. It is an exciting sort of experience though I have days when I wonder if his eyes will no longer like what they see. So far, that has not happened. Our wolves seem to be growing closer together, so I try not to let the notion flap me. I do love that man. I am starting to believe he loves me too. Strange that it has taken this long.

On another note, the moon is coming and it does not look as though we will be able to get back. I am glad that I warned people about it.

We will start scouting the territory of the wolf that infected me tomorrow. I hate to do it so close to the moon, but it can't be helped. I hope we do not run into them. Maybe they will be as wary of interaction with emotions high and we can avoid each other until Monday or so. We'll see.

We have been trading chores, David and I. Tonight, I make dinner and he replenishes the firewood and water. Tomorrow, we switch. We have been sleeping in our fur more often than not, so the bedding does not need to be aired as much as I expected. Still, it might be nice to put out the fresh blankets and take the used ones out to air. I'll do that after dinner while David is running then join him in that meadow we found. Anyway. Gotta go. Time to make dinner.

Back. Dinner was good. Rabbit stew with freshly skinned bunny and wild onions. Yum. After we finished eating and everything was put away, we practiced half form again. I think I am starting to get it. It sort of feels as though you are poised between civilization and the wild. I know. That is what is happening, sort of. I can get there now. Just can't maintain it for long. Not that it matters for what we are doing in conjunction with the half form practice. But, I enjoy it. The sensation is exhilarating. Or is that the other stuff? Or both? Either way, it was a wonderfully eventful evening.

Dairy

2006-07-05T16:24:25Z

Dear Diary,

We made our exit from the apartments with no fanfare on Monday. No one showed up to say good-bye, so we just left. I am sure everyone was busy, and I don't think we announced when we were going to leave, so no one knew. Hard to show up when you don't know when something is happening.

We arrived up in the wilderness late in the afternoon. I had to check in with the regional office, so asked David to decide where to set up camp. I figured that we could do the work together once the formalities were done. When I got back, everything was done. The tent was pitched and camouflaged, the fire pit dug and rock lined, even buckets of water collected and set nearby. He had even dug a midden. I do so love that man.

The first night we hunted as wolves and spent a lot of time playing together in fur before settling down to sleep in our skin. I was given a long list of plants and animals to inventory, a bulletin about poachers and a written notice about the mated pair of wolves in the highlands. Apparently, they are getting more aggressive. I will have to talk to them as soon as possible.

David is calling. I will write more later.

Diary Entry

2006-07-03T18:24:45Z

Dear Diary,

I am getting a little tired of strange days. I guess they will stop and my days will become routine after today, though. As David and I are heading up to the hills for two weeks.

I met Maricela yesterday. Interesting woman. I can't tell if I am going to really like her or find her totally annoying. I hope for the former. She was eating lunch at the manor and watching TV, but turned it off to talk. She is nice enough, which is cool. She clearly loves Zane, which is even cooler. Oddly, she gave me permission to sleep with Zane. Sort of. What she said was that she knows that there are a lot of different needs out there, or words to that effect. Sound familiar? Yeah. Thought so. It is what I keep telling David. Kind of neat to hear my own beliefs spoken by someone else. Validating, in a way.

I talked to Kama and Tatum. Said good bye again.

Zane came to talk to me in private. A lot was said. Amazingly enough, I was wrong about him. He asked me to come back. I was a little surprised that he guessed that I was considering staying away. Either he knows me better than I thought or he is very good at that psychology stuff. Or both.

Scott and Waylon both said that losing me would not strengthen the Pack.

I said I would return to give an update at least.

We will see.

David and I leave tonight. I had hoped we would leave this morning, but that is not going to happen as we both have things to do.

More Diaryishness

2006-07-02T10:04:49Z

Dear Diary,

Had a strange couple of days. It's funny. I leave feeling as though I don't really belong and should find another place. The job I selected to go after was almost designed to get me away. After training, which went very well, I am given my first assignment. The irony of that is that the land I am to cover is where I was infected. The ranger said "Be careful. A pair of rogue wolves live up there. Don't think there is a pack, though." I didn't want to explain how I knew, so kept quiet. I will have to talk to that guy. See why he thought trying to kill me was 'cool'. Zane explained that it is his territory and he was just defending it. Maybe. But, I have to wonder how many others he has attacked. How many survived? I only got out of there because his mate called to him. I do not think it was just territory. He was toying with me. I think he enjoyed the notion that he could kill me.

When I come back from training, first David told me that he wants me. Me. I was startled and very pleased. I want him too. He is my mate. My other half. He told me that he could not bear another two weeks without me near him. That he is going with me. Then I had a talk with Scott to let him know that David and I are heading up into the wilds for two weeks. I should probably have told Zane, but... Really, he is too busy to worry about me. He has a new mate himself, after all.

I get conflicting reports of her. Some say that Zane does not even trust her. Some say that he is smiling and relaxing for the first time since Jolene's death. Some say that she is good for him, but pushy. Some say she is not being bossy. The odd thing is that the 'some' are frequently the same people. I'll just have to meet her and see for myself. (Which I would do anyway.) Hope I get the chance before we leave on Monday.

I told Scott that we might not be back for the Lupanar. We'll have to see. He did not seem to think that would be a problem. Where we will be, shifting won't be a problem, though. Which is nice. It might be fun to spend one Lupanar just with David. In some ways, this is a wonderful thing for us as a couple. We can talk together. Find out who we are.

Scott did think that David should talk to Zane even though I should not. Well. Not /should/ not so much as it isn't necessary. Since David is Geri. Zane might want to appoint a new one. Or wait and see. I'm not sure. It worries me. With Zane's new mate, he should have all his rankers about him. I don't know how he will take his Geri leaving like this. I hate to bother Zane about it.

Tatum invited me over last night. She had made some wonderful chicken with broccoli and nuts. Dakota came home and we all talked. I found out that they mean to take Kama with them when they leave. All that is lacking is Zane's permission to do so. Kama would not tell me who she was going with. Very frustrating. Honestly? I do not know what I hope Zane says.

On the one hand, staying would kill her. One way or another. Going? Might kill her too. She has come a long way, though. The problems she is having stem from several things. One? She has had two teachers trying to teach from different syllabii. I hope that will stop. Nahele tells me that Zane approved the rules and 'things to teach cubs' that I passed to him. That is good. If all the sponsors are on the same page, that will eliminate some of the bullshit. Both from the cubs and from the sponsors. Oh, I do not think sponsors intentionally contradict each other. It is inevitable when people's understandings are incomplete. The second problem? She is manipulative and is willing to use her suicide/depression as a lever to get what she wants. If it is not countered. While I do not believe that suicide threats should be ignored; in her case a swift counter of 'It is your choice', seems to have worked. If followed by encouragement to do what is right. To make the right decision. She is smart, strong, and can be a wonderful friend. She is learning to blend with her wolf. Nahele taught her. When she is her wolf and her wolf is her, she will be a strong Lukoi. When she gives up the manipulative bs, she will be a strong woman. I have confidence in her.

In any case. It was very good to spend time with Tatum and Dakota. They are wonderful people. I will miss them greatly.

After I got home, I spent some time with Kama. I told her what I feel she still has to learn and that I am proud of her. She is Lukoi, no matter what anyone says. How can she be anything else? She has the disease. I asked her to please pay attention to Tatum and Dakota. They can teach her how to survive in their pack. She means to go with them. I think she will go whether Zane gives his approval or not. Now? I hope he does. She respects them. She will listen to them. They make her feel at home and like pack. They will teach her. Take care of her. Finish her training.

So. Where does all this leave me?

Sad that Tatum, Dakota and Kama are leaving. Sad that Daine and Skylar are having problems. Sad that I am selfish enough to want to spend time with Zane; even though I know he has a new girlfriend. And that I know I won't get the chance. Sad that I still do not feel entirely at home here. Sad that I still feel I have failed Kama and the Pack.

So very glad that David wants to go with me. Glad beyond words that he still wants me. Delighted that he seems more together. Glad that Scott, Nahele and Waylon still think I am worth something to the pack. Glad that the leaving women want to be friends and keep in touch.

All in all, not a bad place to be. Just have a few things to work on, is all.

Diary

2006-06-30T10:19:32Z

Dear Diary,

I put a little note on David's pillow to let him know that I was back. I don't know what I expected, but not what happened.

We played phone tag briefly, then I went up to his apartment. He was home. We talked a little. Really started to talk. He... apologized for what happened between us when I first arrived. I would like to talk about that a little more, I think. I am still not sure which part he was apologizing for. Maybe seducing me. Still, it was a two way street. I did let him and there was at least a while when I knew what was going on. Maybe the pup thing. Again.

But, he said that he wants to be with me. To go with me when I leave on Monday for my territory. He wants it to be my scent that he breaths in at night and me he wakes up to in the morning. He is not sorry that he claimed me as his mate.

I am a little stunned. I thought that; perhaps, with the separation, he would have come to his senses. He is different, yes. A lot calmer, for one thing. But, he did not send me away. Did not tell me that he found someone more suitable. He said that; while I was gone, he realized how much he needs me. How much he missed me... He offered to step down as Geri to go with me out in the field because he can't stand not being near me. On one level, this is... Oh, gods... just what I wanted to hear. What I needed to hear. On another, it concerns me. Zane needs his friends nearby. Needs his rankers. Especially if he does not trust his Lupa entirely. I can't ask David to come under these conditions. I don't know. Maybe I should ask for a different posting. Something closer.

Though... The lands I am presiding over are those where I was attacked. The guy who infected me is in there and I know where. Marcus, my boss, said to be careful of the wild wolf pair in the valley. He said that they are very feral and territorial. Yes, Marcus. I know. Ironic, isn't it? There is the temptation to confront the guy. To find out why. David said he would stand by me while I do what I must. Also concerning, but for different reasons.

I am off balance. Don't know what to think. Things that seemed clear only hours ago are suddenly cloudy. If I was wrong about David, was I wrong about more? Was I wrong about Zane?

I have to talk to Zane about my posting being off the pack lands. Everyone keeps saying how busy he is, though. Maybe I can talk to Scott about it and save Zane the trouble.

David is sleeping in the bedroom. I'm closing now to go curl up with him again. What a strange and wonderful night.

Diary

2006-06-29T19:28:21Z

Dear Diary.

Yes, it seems I am back to that. Oh well. Deal.

Got back from training last night. Could not find David in my rooms or his. Didn't look further as I did not want to surprise him anywhere awkward. Didn't tell anyone that I was back.

Called Nahele and Kama for an update this morning. Kama wants to leave the pack and find another, even though she is still a cub. That hurts. A lot. Apparently, she feels badly enough here to consider ending her own life. Can't say I did not feel the same way as a pup. I thought this pack would become family and; for a while, it seemed to be getting that way. Things still feel good with David, Kira and Nahele. Zane hasn't spoken to me since before we went off to get Kayleigh. Guess he didn't mean any of what he said before that.

Why do I let it bother me? I know what I am to him. And; more importantly, what I am not.

Turns out Zane's wolf found the one he wants in some woman from Canada named Maricela. Interesting. I'll have to meet her and see what she is like. I hope Zane is happy. According to some, no one trusts her. Not even Zane entirely. Stellar.

Gods, that must have hurt Daine. After all the time he spent cozying up to her? Must make her feel cheap. A convenient bed warmer. A throw away. I am sorry that she now knows how I felt. Hell. Be honest. How I feel. Still.

She left. I can't blame her. Maybe Daine and Kama have it right. I have a lot of baggage to deal with and leaving sounds soooo good right now. Start over somewhere. Maybe lay claim to some land near that bastard who infected me.

Maybe take him on. I should... Might feel good to just rip into someone. Into the one who put me in this position in the first place. And no one else seems interested in doing anything about him.

But, I can't do that to David. He has lost so many in his life. He is an odd one, though. Seems to want monogamy, which is both a comfort and... odd. Then again, he does not seem to want to spend time with me. Just to roll in the proverbial hay.

Maybe he would come with me. I'll have to talk to him. If I can get him to do that. Talk. If he didn't want monogamy, it would be easier, in a way. If he does not want to come, I would not be leaving him alone. I wish he would talk to me, but he doesn't.

What is wrong with me? Am I that difficult to be around?

The training went well enough that I start on Monday. I have a two week stint that goes over the full moon. I'll have to make the Lupanar somehow, though. Can't miss that. Especially if Zane intends announcing a new Lupa. I should be there to greet her at least. Though... What with one thing and another I am having a hard time summoning enough energy to care. (Yes, Kama... I know depression rather well. Yes, succumbing is a choice. Sometimes, choosing to let it take over is a valid one. Just can't let it linger long. Can't let it interfere with function.)

Diary

2006-06-25T14:24:03Z

Well, it is official.

I passed the interview for the job as a park ranger and am working through the induction period. Working up by the Lupinar lands is interesting. So far, I have documented three new species of slime mold. I am certain that one of them is migratory, but have yet to prove it. And no one at all will care back home or understand why that is important. Not that I expected to be working with slime molds when I finished college. I had something more grandiose in mind. Oh well. It is a start.

Home? I'll have to think about that. The pack has been feeling less and less like home. Maybe being away will help, though it hasn't so far. I worry about Kama. She said she could wait for me to get back to do her test. I think I will ask her if I should just do the final training. It does not have to be done by a male, after all and I think she trusts me enough to get it done. Then, maybe I should talk to David about leaving. Though that might be premature. Besides, a lot can happen in a couple of weeks. Maybe things have calmed down. I can only hope... It can hardly get more intense.

I miss some of them, though. David, Zane, Kira, Kama, Nahele, Seth, Daine. (In no particular order and for very different reasons). Even Scott and Waylon. Would I continue to miss them if I left? Or, would the members of a different pack feel more like family? Would David go with me, if I decide to leave?

Is it really so bad that I would leave rather than try to fix it? (Who am I kidding? I do not have the power or strength to fix anything. Especially when Zane won't even talk to me anymore. Example? He noticed that Trinity and Kira were wearing dresses at his birthday party but did not notice that I was. (Which is something I need to stop feeling bitter about.))

Then there is David. I don't know what to say about him. He claimed me as his mate and has said next to nothing to me since. When I wanted to talk, he seduced me and I let him. I am weak where he is concerned, sadly. I love him. I always have. Even before I was told not to. But, I sort of assumed that loving someone included that whole conversation thing. I am afraid that he will get tired of me or find someone he is more compatible with.

Yeah. I guess it is so bad that I should consider starting over somewhere. Somewhere where I won't fall for the Ulfric and the Geri. Idiot.

Zane gave me a dog tag that reads "Genevieve". He said he thinks of me as the Queen who fell for both King Arthur and Lancelot. Don't know how I feel about that, honestly. I said that I was proud of it and it is true in a way. But... She caused the downfall of both houses by being unfaithful. Does that mean he thinks of me that way? As unfaithful? Untrustworthy? Or, am I over-analyzing things again?

Then again, if I am considering leaving the pack am I being unfaithful? Or is it a survival thing?

OOC Note (Long)

2006-06-10T20:55:21Z

These are the things that I have ICly written up and sent to Daine and Nahele for consideration. This was done last week, as it was clear that they were needed. They are to be passed up to Zane (Or his Lupa) for consideration, modification, approval and posting. (OOCly, Zane has a copy for review so OOC changes can be made to speed up the IC process.)

Pack rules:

Those are the basic rules of the Pack as set by the Ulfric.

1.) The Ulfric's word is law. Do not argue it. If you have something to say to a matter, do it before the Ulfric makes up his mind. If something new comes up in the meantime, seek to meet with the Ulfric privately to discuss it, but under no circumstance defy the Ulfric's word. To do so will bring the wrath of the Ulfric upon you.

2.) The alphas of the Pack are to be respected. Those that are stronger than you, protect and teach you, and you are expected to protect and teach those that are weaker than yourself. In turn, pay them respect. When greeted or spoken to by a stronger wolf, show your submission fitting to the situation. A greeting of licking the stronger ones lips and chin is one way. A bow of your head another. Settling at their feet. Accepting food from them. A kiss to their cheek or chin. Pick the appropriate way, depending on who is observing, or could be observing. If you are not spoken to, there is no need to go out of your way to greet a ranking wolf. A lowering of your eyes and head in passing is quite enough.

3.) All wolves belong to the Ulfric. Claiming of another wolf without the Ulfric's permission, against their will, will be viewed as harming a wolf the Ulfric personally is offering his protection to. To mark a wolf is to claim it. To claim it, is to offer your protection until you recall it.

4.) Harming a wolf being protected by another will not be tolerated. Our duty to our weaker packmates is to protect them. To not respect a claim and protection of another wolf is shaking the trust and sense of belonging of the pack. If a wolf offends you, speak to the one who grants the wolf protection. If the wolf is released to you for punishment, you are free to administer it as it was agreed upon. If the wolf is not released, you may seek to settle your slight against the one who protects her. If you harm a wolf protected without speaking to the protector, expect the wrath of the Pack to be turned upon you.

5.) In the absence of the Ulfric, the word of his Lupa is law. In her absence, the word of the Freki and Geri are law. In their absence, Skoll and Hati are to be obeyed, and so forth. No wolf may break a law without punishment until it is recalled.

6.) Death is the Ulfric's privilege. He leads the pack, he keeps it from harm, and he takes their lives when he chooses to. No punishment that kills a wolf without the permission of the Ulfric will be tolerated.

7.) Challenges are not fought to the death, save one. All others are to be fought to submission or first blood. Expect the Ulfric to see it as a challenge to his word and position if you kill a packmate in a challenge without giving the chance to submit. There will be no submitting for the throne of the Ulfric. Consider yourself warned.

8.) Challenges should be fought in the presence of the Munin and pack at the Lupanar if at all possible.

9.) Failure to adhere to those rules, betrayal to the pack, carelessness about those you are tasked to protect, cowardice in combat or incompetence in fulfilling the tasks you have been given may result in you being expelled from the pack and your not joining to the Munin when the pack hunts you down.

10.) It is the Ulfric's choice who joins the pack. Do not infect humans without the permission of the Ulfric, lest you risk the death of both you and the human.

All Pups should be trained in the following:

1) Pack Structure - Ulfric on down. Who are your Rankers?

2) How to tell an Alpha from a Beta by power.
3) The Local Laws. (See above)
4) When is it appropriate to speak your mind and when is it better to keep your mouth shut.
5) Life isn't always fair. Neither are people. Deal with it.
6) Respect the position and power of the person above you regardless of your personal opinion about the person.
7) Lukoi don't give time outs. Expect physical discipline when necessary.
8) Pups are expected to know and behave like Lukoi. While they have some leeway when it comes to screwing up, and given some time to adapt, this isn't a free rein and will end as soon as the pup attains adulthood.
9) Pups must learn how to manipulate their power, at least minimally.
10) Pups must be able to remember and direct what they can do as a wolf.
11) They must be able to work with their wolf
12) Pups must be able to -choose- not to shift under surprise, pain, pleasure, fear, during sex, and under any other strong emotions.

Structure:

Eranthe and Eros - Responsible for 'management'. They determine Sponsor-Cub pairs and ultimately test the cubs. They determine the overall path the training will take and handle the sexual training of the cubs, either by doing the training personally or approving the cub's choice and supervising said training. They are the go-to pair for trouble between the Sponsors and Pups. If a Pup needs to talk about anything and feels uncomfortable doing so in front of the Sponsor, they can speak to the Eros and Eranthe. If a Sponsor has issues with a cub, they must speak to the Eros and Eranthe. If there is a conflict between a pup and pack member, the conflict can be taken up with the Eros and Eranthe, but only after the Sponsoring pair has had a chance to resolve it. If a Sponsor pair is dysfunctional, the E and E pair have the option of removing one or both Sponsors and replacing them. They also have the option of taking over the training of the Pup, if it is determined that the Sponsor pair is unable to continue the training to conclusion.

Sponsors - Responsible for training the cubs in all things non-sexual. (See below) They are responsible for the cub's behavior during the learning stage. All conflicts should be taken to the Sponsors first. It is understood that; from time to time, a pup may give insult to someone in the pack. If the injured party deems it necessary to reprimand the cub, they should do so. The cub's sponsors should be called and notified as soon as possible either by the injured party, or by someone nearby. A more in depth meeting should come between the injured party and the Sponsors as soon as possible and should include details of the incident so the Sponsors can more effectively instruct their cubs in the future as well as answer any lingering questions the cub may have. The Sponsors report to the E and E pair on a regular basis. Reporting is to include topics opened, lessons learned and how, progress made and topics closed so the E and E will have an ongoing view of the Pup's progress. The Sponsor's should communicate directly with one another to be sure that the Pup's needs are being met as far as training and expectation management.

Pups - Responsible for learning about their new life. They are responsible for integrating their new power (wolf) with their human side and coming out a werewolf at the end of their training period. They are responsible for behaving in a manner that will not bring grief to their Sponsors and for learning to be a viable, stable and productive member of Therian society.

(He has asked me to write up a few other things, which I will try to get to before leaving. Or, I will write 'em up on the plane and post when I get to Tokyo.)

More ramblings, though shorter

2006-06-08T23:43:01Z

Had a talk with Faith today. Then another with Tatum. Good people.

Faith pointed out that I have become very negative. (No. She pointed out that Zane's being silent might have been because he was trying to be considerate of my need to talk. I made the connection.) She is right. He probably was. I was the one who put the negative interpretation on it. Once more, I was a doof. Great. Sorry, Zane. I used to come up with that sort of upbeat explanation on my own. It worries me that I did not this time. Have I truly become so dark?

Faith suggested that Zane might be able to help David. I told her that I would talk to David. Hope that I get to.

I talked to Tatum about whether I was beating Kama down so she would grow stronger. I really do not want to do that. She said:

"No. You didn't. You stressed the extremes of what could happen, but never did you tell her that she's not a wolf. Never did you tell her she was piss poor and horrible. You explained that her behavior reflected poorly upon her sponsors. You gave her guidelines to prove herself an adult and have put her Eros training on hold for two weeks, so that her wishes might be met. You were sensitive to her needs, but she needed to know the brutal side of us as well. You warned her what would happen and you carried out your words. You are not a hypocrite. She should know that you expect your words to be learned, but at the same time, you love her. When it was over, you held her. You healed her. You were there for her. You agreed to let her voice be heard in a private setting. It's not the same. Not at all the same."

Thank you, Tatum. I will keep this with me to remind me of how to behave. I never want to be the sort of teacher that people fear exclusively. Just the sort they fear to ignore.

So. Zane? I am sorry that I forgot to consider the positive motivations rather than only the negative. Kama? I hope you learned from that and that I never have to do it again, ever. Morgan and Nahele? Please start listening to each other? Daine and Kira? Thank you for being there. Heather? It was nice to meet you. No, I am not a monster. Jayne? We have a score to settle.

(Long and rambling.)

2006-06-07T00:10:54Z

So much to say and so little time. I guess I'll just summarize. Hah. Sure.

Let's see. Start with Zane. And David.

David asked me to be his mate. Well... We sort of claimed each other, I guess. It was intense. More on David in a minute.

Because David and I are now mated, I told Zane that I could not be in the Great Lupa Search. No great loss to him, I gather. Sometimes, I don't know why I bothered in the first place. Except that I do love him. Always have. But, he is going to pick Daine anyway and I've known it for weeks. At first, I was pissed about it. Hurt. I do not feel she is a better person, even if she has a greater power. But, lately? She has shown that she has more to her than I thought. I could follow her.

Still, it is weird feeling like a place holder. And not a very important one at that. I was just someone to hang out with to fool other people into thinking there is some question as to the end result in the Lupa search. I wonder if the others feel that way, too. Zane and I went to dinner and a movie once, but he fell asleep back at my place before we could talk much. That is sort of the extent of our 'courtship'. Though, it was kind of nice that he could sleep there. I guess that means he trusts me. Well... Either that or he was so bored with me that it did not matter one way or the other.

Since then, he has barely looked at me; let alone spoken to me. I wanted to talk to him about some of the things going on in the pack. He did say that he wanted to be there for me even after I told him about David. No go. I finally broke down and talked to Faith in the hot tub. I told her everything that is bothering me. I think I talked for half an hour straight. I started to feel as though I could find solutions for the things that were bothering me, which was great. Thing is, I was so wound up in talking that I did not notice other people coming in. Grace came in and kissed Zane. When had he come in? How much had he listened to? Why did he spy rather than announce his presence? Especially since some of what I had been talking about involved him And Daine. How embarrassing. And why the hell did I feel that running out of there was preferable to talking about it? (Well. Other than because Zane felt it was more important to kiss someone than talk to me.) He trivialized whatever he heard by ignoring it. I am sure he probably thinks I left because he was holding someone. What a way to trivialize me. So much for 'being there' for me. To me, that is more than just sex. Though he's not there that way either.

On the other hand... And yes, there is always another hand... To be fair, life has been insane lately what with one thing and another. He may be just... busy. After all, we have suffered through kidnapping after kidnapping. Then there is the influx of new people. I doubt I can even name all of the people who have joined us of late. It's... nuts. And all of them need to be taught how we work. Who we are. They all want time with the Ulfric. In some ways, I can't wait until Zane names his Lupa. It will be nice to point to someone besides Zane as a go-to person. To help with this, I'm working on some guidelines for training pups. I have the overview finished. I need to show it to Morgan. Daine and Nahele liked it. I need to get them copies of the rest. Better do that tomorrow.

So... Why does it matter how he treats me? Especially as David and I are together? That's a good question and one I can't answer easily. I think it has to do with respect. And love. I mean... He claimed to love me and seemed disturbed when that surprised me. Well. Communication is a two way conduit. You can't get it by halves. With David, I can tell that he loves me. That he respects me. David and I click. It is as though we are one wolf when we are together. He completes me in ways I did not expect. I love him. But, he is very broken and only occasionally there. I wish I knew how to heal him. Maybe Zane can help. Maybe Faith can.

It would have been nice to have someone to at least talk to who was not judging me, or finding fault, or laying blame or... Or making me feel useless and childish for having concerns. David has never made me feel that way. Others in the pack have. Thuogh I have come to an understanding with one of them. Waylon and I have had long talks. Weird that I understand him. Weirder still that he understands me. Why do I wish Zane did?

Okay. Enough of that. No more whining.

Ugh. I had to throat Kama. She is not thinking and put the reputation of both Nahele and Morgan on the line. Different incidents. By saying that; if her choice for Eros is not honored, it will be tantamount to rape, she implied that the pack condones that. Which could not be farther from the truth. She implied that the Eros condones that practice, which makes him no better than a perp. When she apologized, she felt my teeth. Later, the next day, I heard that she snapped at Morgan when he told her to eat. She said: '... I am not stupid...' Morgan did not backhand her. So, I had to talk to her about it. She did not realize that; by treating him with such disrespect, she is putting his reputation into question. He did not backhand her. Therefore; by wolf logic, he must be weak. If he is weak, he is 'easy pickin's'. That is how it will look to others. And, if he is weak as Hati, the pack must be weak. Since that was the second time in about as many days, I tore her throat out. Thank goodness Tatum was there to heal her. Daine was great. She talked to Kama about her choice for Eros and had me explain what Kama would need to do to earn that choice.

When it was all over and Kama had gone to bed, I walked Tatum home. When we got there, I cried. A lot. Just not in front of Kama. I so hope she gets it this time. I really do not want to do that again. But, I will if I need to. We can not afford another weak, broken wolf in the pack. Another wolf who thinks that he or she can get away with failing to follow the rules just because they object to them or they are inconvenient. It is not fair to her, nor to the pack as a whole. She has to learn that life is hard and then you die.

Okay. Back to David. I found out that he used to be in a gang and that he did 'things' that he is not proud of. He and I have t talk. Maybe next time we are together I will be stronger than last time. Though that man really does know how to push my buttons... Speaking of which... I'll finish writing about David next time. He is here and I want to pay attention to him.

Diary

2006-06-01T06:59:47Z

Dear Diary,

Yeah, you guessed it. I am writing because I have been a dork, yet again. Today was one of the worst days since my own pup-hood. It started out with... Wait, no. It started out with a bit of a briefing at Kira's. We are getting ready to rescue Kayleigh. Poor kid. Zane came in just as it ended. I had to go do some things to get ready to make uber pepper spray of doom to use tonight, and he wanted to talk to Daine and Kira. Once those things were done and I took a shower, I started looking for David. He had not been in my rooms for a while, so I looked in his. He had not been in either for several days. Went on a David-Hunt through the apartments and could not find any sign of him. When I went back to Kira's to ask if anyone had seen him, Kira punched Zane in the jaw knocking him, the chair he was sitting in and Daine; who was sitting on his lap, over. Turns out that Zane had sent David off to scout the area where Kayleigh was last week and no one bothered to tell me. I am so angry, I could just... Explode. So angry that I can not write more. I will go destroy something in the gym.

Diary

2006-05-09T03:58:34Z

Dear Diary.

Okay. I will succumb to the habit... All I have to say is that today was amazing. Now, I am going to bed.

Good night, Diary.

Diary - Party 'n' Stuff

2006-05-06T08:29:13Z

Dear Diary.

I don't know why I always begin that way. It gets redundant. Oh, well. Daine's party for Zane was a lot of fun. Kama and I helped her to decorate the living room and the backyard. I will need to see if she needs help cleaning up. Forgot that I was going to stick around until the end. Probably better that I didn't, though. What with one thing and another. I'll apologize and do what I can.

Zane got a lot of neat presents. I think the best was from Trinity though. What a beautiful leather jacket. I do wonder what Grace gave him. Something wonderful, I am sure. Makes me wish I had been more creative. Maybe finished the chess set. But, what good is is creative if you give someone something they won't like or use? I have no idea if Zane even plays chess. Or if anyone in the group does. I think he'll like the little sculpture. It was fun to make, anyway. One of my better efforts. Course, thinking about him while making it helped, probably.

Daine has a nice voice. She plays the guitar well. Maybe I'll ask her to teach me later. I never did learn. Mother thought it was frivolous. Luckily, I don't care what she thinks anymore. That's rather freeing. I sang with her a little, then sang a song that I'd written. Daine tried to play along and did really well since she had never heard it before. I almost wish I didn't though. Things never work out the way you want them to. Which is also part of another song. My sister wrote it when she was a kid and I only remember part of it. Let's see...

Why do things never measure up
When you hold them in your hands.
Why do we want the things
We know we'll never have.

We all dream the impossible
Neglect the real
Can't follow what we know...
Just what we feel.

Just what we feel...

I wish I could remember the rest. It was a good song. Though it is a bit emo... Still it was an emo age.

Anyway. The party was fun. I think everyone had a good time.

Diary - Musings. Some bad words.

2006-05-04T23:15:14Z

Dear Diary;

Well... Seems I screwed the pooch all day yesterday. Yesterday sucked. All of it. Every bit. Well. Until the end, I guess.

I am not sure why everything went wrong, but it did. I will have to apologize to Kama first thing this morning. Poor pup. I am messing her up, I think. Maybe I should just turn her over to Morgan.

I think that I really really misjudged Daine. I thought she was going after Zane for the position. Because of the timing of her break up with Morgan. I thought that the problems with him began when Zane became available. While the timing may have been unfortunate, I don't think it was intentional. I talked with her for a very long time. She loves Zane as much as I do. Or, maybe a little less. I love him enough to give him up if he will be better off with someone else. He does not come to me for 'fun'. He goes to her. He comes to me to discuss serious things. To get advise. It's... Well, it makes me wonder if the guy was right yesterday who said I was 'too serious'. 'Too much like a man.' 'One of the guys.'... 'We don't think of you as a woman, Bri.'. Which might have been funny, except I think it might be true. Have I really forgotten how to have fun? When did that happen? I guess it started when I messed up that prank with Scott. I've just not felt like playing since. Wait. This isn't supposed to be about me.

Daine. I went to her place to talk about Kama. I wanted to see what happened between them that could have given the pup the impression that something more than Eranthe/trainee was going on. She talked at length about the conversations she had with Kama about the Eranthe's position, what her feelings for the pup are, and what could be done to finish up her training. It really is the final bit. She has everything else. Anyway. I talked to Daine. She did her job as she should have. Thing is, I am not sure she took Kama into account. Kama has wanted something lasting. Something that will live beyond training. All along. When Daine said she would train her and care about her after the training, Kama took it to mean more than it did. Daine meant she would always love Kama as Pack. As family. Kama thought she meant more by it.

I am starting to repeat myself. Suffice it to say that; should Zane pick Daine as his Lupa, I won't argue it. I think that she will do a good job once she finds her stride.

Moving on.

Had a long talk with Kama, Reggie and Jayne. I need to mention to Reggie that kissing a man so close to the belly button in public is not really appropriate. She's a great girl and I am starting to think of her as 'one of mine'. I hope she is okay with that. Jayne was getting a bit turned on, I think. Judging by the fluttering of his lashes and the way he leaned his head back on the couch. Fine in private. Not so fine on someone else's couch. At least not mine. (Am I a prude? Maybe.)

Kama is doing really well. Rather than shift after I pissed her off she broke a chair. I'm fine with that. Chairs can be fixed and I think it surprised her enough that she won't let it get that far again. I'll be pushing her later this week to be certain, though. Poor thing.

Waylon came by to ask my advise on raising up pups. Seems he has been selected to Sponsor someone. I'm not sure whom, though. Maybe the Kayleigh person who came from his old Ulfric. (Who sounds a right bastard.) I think Waylon will do a great job. He is steady and certain. He knows all the rules. He won't waffle. Good man.

Went to Zane's at the end of the day. I took him some ice cream with mexican chocolate. I don't think he noticed. Had to put the bowl into his hands before he would eat it. I dunno. He's different, in a way. For a while, I thought we were growing closer. Now? I just don't know. He has made overtures with some of the others. Took several people out to dinner or dancing or whatever. With me, it is all work now. He asks about my day, and seems interested in what I have to say. Seems glad to listen and appreciates the information. But, that is all there is to it. He almost touched me, then didn't. Asked if we could 'just sleep' because he could see that I had had a hard day. I almost left. But, I needed to be held for a change. Didn't want to be alone. I don't know why he thinks I only go to see him to have sex. How many times have we slept together? Of those times how many included intimacy? Please... If he does not get it that I don't go to him for that, then he never will. Or... Not primarily for that. If it happened, I would surely enjoy it. I thought we were better friends than that. But, he's been spending time being a friend elsewhere. With me? It's... Oh, stop it. This is pointless. And is only making my mood worse. Besides, I can't read his mind yet. Maybe he really has not come to a decision and I am just jumping at shadows.

There are several new folk at the manor. Zane asked me to do the meet and greet thing. Get to know them. Make sure they know they are welcome... Could be fun. One of them has a very cool name. Very Gaelic. Off to find Kama to apologize. *sigh* I can tell that it is going to be such a /wonderful/ day. Again.

Diary

2006-05-03T06:00:31Z

Dear Diary,

What a day. I can't believe it. I spent the entire day trying to put out other people's fires. Okay. I'll be fair. Some of the fires were ignited because I failed to teach Kama something. Got that taken care of right quick.

Anyway. First thing, I meet Waylon on the roof. I hoped to talk to him about Kama's issue, but Daine showed up. No way I was going to talk to Waylon in front of anyone else. I know better, believe me. Daine was being... Odd. She smelled of Zane and was wearing some of his clothing. I... was... trying not to notice. I mean... It is not my concern who she sleeps with. Or whom he sleeps with. Anyway. She was torn between moping and gloating. Okay. Be fair. Not gloating. We'll call it glowing. She settled on moping. We listened to her talk about how she is hurting Morgan and what should she do? I made a mistake. I gave her advise. I should learn not to. I told her the Brigid's Theory of Relationships and how they are like Forgiving Someone. Brave words... How does it work? Like this... In forgiving someone, as well as in relationships, you give as much as you can. At the same time, you do not expect more from the other person than they are able to give. Why? Because, if you do not give as much as you can, you are not being honorable in the relationship. If you expect more than the other person can give, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. David said that he is not a good person to talk to about relationships. I mentioned that he knows that sex and love are not the same thing. That he is sating his body without letting his heart heal. He knows. He knows. But, he said that he does not think he has ever loved. Does not think he can.

Or, in the forgiveness department, you won't forgive.

Rather than thinking of whether she and Morgan can work things out, Daine broke up with him. Why? The cynical side of me wants to put it down to her wanting to be Lupa. Really? I expect that the reasons are complex. Morgan wants monogamy, Daine can't give it to him. So, he is expecting something she can't give. She cares about him, maybe loves him, but not enough to give up the other men she wants in her life. Though she does seem to care about Zane. Which is nice. Does she love Zane? I don't know. How can I know? Okay. Off this subject.

After talking to Daine, I escaped before confessing my own love for the man. Gotta keep that quiet. If I can. I love him. Gods. I should not even write that here. Should keep it uder my hat, so to speak. Do I want to be Lupa? If Zane wants me to be Lupa, I would do it. Heck, in some ways, I am doing that job already. Someone needs to take care of these things and keep them off Zane's plate. Might as well be me. Or is that just arrogance? Could be. Gotta watch that.

I will have to talk to Daine tomorrow about something that happened between her and Kama. In some ways, she failed in her responsibilities as Eranthe. Poor Kama. Poor Daine. I do feel for both of them. That will be an interesting conversation. Stop. Moving on. Okay.

I asked Waylon to come down to my apartment. Something happened between Kama and Waylon. As her sponsor, I needed to work it out. She said he told her that her input on a topic was not appreciated or appropriate. When I spoke to him; however, he told me that he had apologized. Oh boy. I called Morgan and Kama. We had to work this out. Kama did not remember the apology. I am worried about her. She properly apologized to Waylon, then to me. Neither of us did more than kiss her throat. She is a good kid. Just needs to get a grip.

After Waylon left, Morgan and I started to talk to Kama about things when she mentioned the something that happened between her and Daine. After they way Daine dumped him, Morgan heard that and went ballistic. It was not fun. I could not keep him from shifting, but kept him from running off. The shift probably hurt a lot as he fought against it all the way. We got him fed and cuddled. I did let him know what I told Daine. Poor man. I hope he does not decide to be angry at me for ruining his life. But, Daine has got to start acting like an alpha. Seriously... I asked Kama to call Scott and David. Scott was at the Manor and could not get here. David ran down from upstairs. Poor David. Got him to cook while I had a shower.

Tatum came by. She wants advise. I'm a little scared to give it. But, if she is willing to listen to the advise and discard what is not useful, I'm fine with offering what help I can. Just hope I don't mess this one up. Tatum is cool. I cheated and asked her to avoid heavy conversation. She was great and talked about a date she and Dakota are going on. Or an outing anyway. And we talked a bit about sleeping habits. Turns out that we all prefer to sleep with someone else. I love sleeping with David, for instance. Tonight, I'll be sleeping with Kama and Morgan. Or, Kama and Morgan will be sleeping together while Tatum and David and I cuddle. Or, some combination there of. If Tatum gets back from Daine's. Just at the end of the evening, Daine called and said she needs a healer. I hope she is okay. Just wish I could be sleeping with... Never mind. Stop it. Moving on.

David calls me 'love'. I don't know if he means it or it is part of the heritage. It was really great to see him today. He seemed more relaxed than the last time I saw him. I wish I could have spent more time with him, but with one thing and another, it did not happen. Maybe later this week. I hope so. He is wonderful. Wish I could help him more. He is so sad still. Really angry about his sister. Still upset about Madi, I think. Last time we spoke, he told me that he wants me to be the mother of his child. I... don't know what to do with that. It made me feel wonderful and a little frightened. I am not ready to be a mother, for one thing. For another? How? A surrogate, I suppose. I certainly am not strong enough to resist the moon for nine months. And I think being forced to resist would be painful. And harmful to the child. But, what a trip. What a rush. I do love David. He is a wonderful, tender, loving man. I will try to be true to him. While being true to myself? Am I starting to sound like Daine? Am I the one who has to get a grip? Probably. I will have to talk to David.

So. My 'To Do List'. In no particular order
1) Talk to Daine about what happened with Kama and why it was wrong.
2) Talk to Jayne and see how he is fitting in.
3) Meet the new wolves. (I hear that we have several.)
4) Talk to Desdemona. See if she is okay.
5) Talk to Trinity. If she will talk to me.
6) Talk to... (I should leave off 'talk to, shouldn't I?)
6) David. Just let him cuddle if need be.
7) Dakota. Make sure she knows she is Pack and if her beau causes her problems she has but to call. Thank her for returning my necklace. (Need to start wearing that again.)
8) Reggie. Make sure she is okay.
9) Peter. (Gah. Yeah, I need to talk to Peter.) Check on him. See that he is not planning evil things with Reggie and his girlfriend. (Can't think of her name.)
10) Kelsey. He's doing well. I would like him to know that what happened with Daine took courage and was just perfect.
11) Scott. Need to see if I can mend the breach between us. Maybe it really is only in my mind.

I know that there are other things, but I can't think of what they are. I guess it's time to sleep. Good night.

Diary - Speculations

2006-05-02T15:43:45Z

Hey, Diary.

Well... I am more an idiot than I thought I was. Isn't that a fun way to begin? I suppose he knows how I feel now, and does not seem to care very much. That does not change the way I feel, of course, but it makes life more interesting in the Chinese proverb sort of way. What will happen if he chooses someone else? Can't say... Can't say. I would like to believe that I would be strong enough to remain and help in whatever way I can. Don't know if I am that good, though. Still, if I were to leave, where would I go? Certainly not back 'home'. That place was never a home to me. Not as much as here is, anyway. Can I stand seeing him with someone else? When that 'someone else' is his one and only? Oh, he did ask if he could still see me. Even if he picks someone else to stand by his side. What? I'm going to say 'no' to the man I love? I should have said 'if she says it's okay', but didn't. I'm such a wimp... Then there are the others. Nahele and David, Elissa and Kira and Kama? I love them too, though in different ways... Would I leave them just because he spurned me? Is it really spurning if he does not know how I feel? Or, if he chooses someone else but still wants to be with me? I don't know... I will have to think about it.

I have been watching Morgan and Daine of late. There is a distance there and it is not of his doing. Interestingly enough, I have heard that Zane has been spending a lot of time with Daine. Is Daine leaving Morgan in the hope of being named Lupa? I thought she loved Morgan more than that. How painful. Poor Morgan. He seems so sad. If Zane picks Daine, will Morgan stay? For that matter, if he picks Daine will I? (Probably. I do not have any where else to go. Still, it bears thinking on. I do not respect Daine very much, sadly. Oh, she is nice enough... Seems to care about the pups. Though... I do have issues with how she handled Kama. That was very nearly a disaster... But the way she has been treating Morgan is unconscionable.)

Oooh! Kira bested Lara in challenge. Way to go Kira!!! I put a cake in her room by way of congratulations. I hope she found it. Kira is such a wonderful person. She is someone I could almost support as Lupa. Strong, sensible, fair. If only she liked men. Then again, I am not sure she can be gentle enough when it is needed. Her way is the bluster of strength, not the gentleness of diplomacy. Both are needed, I think. Maybe. Or Scott. If he was a woman. Does it matter that the Lupa be a female? Maybe not. Maybe I am being prejudiced because Scott does not like me much. Still... Does the Lupa have to like everyone? One of the things I love about Zane is his great capacity to love. He loves all of us, the poor man.

I applied for several ranger jobs. Don't know if I will get any, though. It's been almost a year since graduation and; while I did graduate top of the class, I can't say I've had much experience. Tending the plants part time while studying to be a werewolf hardly counts and I can't put down 'esoteric extra-curricular studies' on my resume. Do I want the jobs? Yes. Definitely. But, are they more to escape him or to further my own life? I can't say. There are certainly jobs in town that I could go for. Not that it matters unless one of them comes through. Once one does, I will need to be away for training for 3 weeks. I will have to try to time it so I am not gone over the moon. Or, if I am, that I can get a religious dispensation to be home then. If they allow such things. Or a family emergency. I'll have to talk to Zane. *sigh* Or... Maybe Morgan or David. Or Scott.

Why am I adverse to talking to Zane about it? Well... I suppose the reasoning is several-fold. (Rather than twofold.) First, the more I am with him, the more I care. Dangerous. Second, I don't want to burden him with my concerns. Also dangerous, but of a different sort. I know that I am 'Pack' and my concerns are; on some level, everyone's but that is also a bit of a cop out. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. Besides, with everything he is dealing with, that is hardly fair. Third, if Zane is to make a selection for the Pack, he should not be clouded by my emotions. I know he cares about me, as he does everyone, but... When choosing Lupa, that can not be the primary focus.

Do I want him to pick me? Gods, I don't know. Yes. Okay. Yes. In a way, I do. I think I would be good for the Pack in a lot of ways. I am fairly strong personally, if not metaphysically. Face it, Bri. Your wolf side is not very dominant. She is nurturing. I think I have good insights into things. Goodness knows Zane does listen to me. He has implemented every suggestion I have ever offered. Would that be different were I Lupa? His mate? I hope not. I trust not. Would it change if he chose someone else? Probably. He would need to start going to her for advise. Mine would be of lessened value. The pack must come first for the Lupa. Then her mate's well being. Then herself. Can I do that? Sure. I've been doing that. Can Daine? Um. I don't know. She has been both amazingly self-serving at times. Of course, she has been very sweet too. Maybe; again, I am prejudiced. See? I need to take myself out of the picture for the good of the Pack. I don't want to sully the waters, so to speak.

Gah. I need to stop now before I talk myself into leaving before Zane has a chance to settle things. After? We'll just have to see.

Diary

2006-04-17T17:35:32Z

Wow, it's been a long time... But, since I seem to delight in recording when I am officially an idiot, it seems appropriate to write in here again. Yes, that does mean I am officially an idiot. Why?

Because... Like the dolt that I apparently am, I am falling for utterly the wrong person. He really does not need someone like me getting all misty-eyed and silly. It is aggravating, but I can't seem to help it. Maybe I should look into one of the ranger jobs far away for a while. Though I don't like the idea of leaving, really. Still, it would give him a chance to find someone suited to his unique situation without my interest getting in the way. So far, I've been able to keep him from knowing. Don't want to embarrass myself by slipping when I know it isn't returned. We are friends. It should stay that way. He needs someone much more powerful than I am; or ever will be. I have to pretend it does not hurt to be ignored. I am such an idiot.

In other news, I'm going to start my round of challenges. It is something that have avoided for a while, but know that I need to get started. I have given it some thought and decided to start with the omega and move up one by one. I think it shows respect to challenge in order, though I hate the idea of all those fights. Or whatever. I trained with Meri before she left and have done some with Mara. I am okay. Not great. I am hoping that some of the challenges won't involve fighting. Tatum says that when I get to her, she already knows what it will be. She claimed it will be fun. I hope she knows what she's talking about.

It's funny. I used to be such a pacifist. But, that was before I was were. Now, the challenges feel right and natural. I almost don't remember what I was before. Something else? I keep having an urge to hunt down the bastard who infected me. I want to see him suffer for it. I can't think that this is healthy. I will have to think about it a while, I suppose. If it is a true desire and not some twisted oddness, I will talk to someone about it. Maybe David.

Oye. David. Don't know what to think there. He's... Going through a rough time right now. So, I can't talk to him about how he feels about me. He told me when I was a pup that I should not fall for him. That he would adopt a 'hands off' policy once I became an adult and; so far, he has. Heck, we've hardly talked. He seems to be getting together with Tatum, which is neat to see. I just have to stop feeling jealous. I just thought that; if he and Madison ever broke up, or cooled off, I might be told. But, no. Guess not. Makes me feel strange. Especially in light of the above. Oye.

Tatum. She is beautiful, clearly intelligent and a really nice person. I like her. So, why does it mess with my head that David is interested in her? Well. Duh. I'm still interested in him. *sigh* See idiot.

Going away for a while seems like such a good idea. Just can't until Kama has passed her test. That won't be for another month and a half or two. Depending. Gah. I'll just have to hang on until then, I guess.

Diary (OOC)

2006-03-16T17:48:32Z

Dear Diary,

Interesting times. That was the most traumatic lupinar I've ever been to. As far as I remember.

I talked to Grace prior to the Lupinar. She asked for the truth about my opinions, so I let her have them. She did not blow up at me, which was good. But, she went off crying. Which was bad. I am afraid she does not get it and will do her usual weepy, poor pitiable me routine. Which just shows that she is not strong enough to be Lupa. I hope she does not dump Zane the way she dumped Paint, though. He does need someone. The problem is that there are two issues here. Zane the man, and Zane the Ulfric. I don't care who Zane the man sleeps with. That's his business. Zane the Ulfric? I feel sorry for. He's a public person.

I don't know whether Zane lets Grace hang all over him because he loves her, because it gives him comfort, or because he sees it as helping her. And the truth is, I don't care about that. It's their business, not mine.

Bottom line? If he chooses her as his mate and Lupa, I will support his decision because I respect him. If she wants more than that, however, she'll have to earn it. That will never happen if she is a weepy, whiny, clingy, Drama Queen. She needs to learn to be strong in her own right rather than based on which man she is boinking now.

Now, then. The Lupinar. Elissa had challenged Peter. Which was good. Peter is a bastard. She did fairly well, though he ended up winning the fight. More's the pity. While he was beating her senseless after winning, Trinity slipped out from under my arm (not sure how she managed that, but she did), stole a knife from Kira (again, I'm not sure how she did that. Kira's pretty aware.), then stabbed Peter. Man, that was awful. Bad enough that Peter was beating up Elissa... But, now, Trin's going to have to be punished for interfering with a challenge fight. Why can't these people control themselves? Oh, I know... Someone is going to point out that Jolene was Trin's favorite person in the world and I hardly knew her. Fine. But, there is a time and a place, and that was just wrong. Another DQ. Reminds me strongly of a comment Zane made. Still, Trin's been better of late. Maybe she's learning. If so, great.

Yeah, Zane and I actually talked. A lot. I hope I am helping and not hurting. I let him sleep with me that night. Just sleep. Then, fed him in the morning and went about my business. It was kind of nice cuddling that way without pressure. I told him to go ahead and use my apartment if he wants to escape. I'm almost never there and he is welcome to hide out there if he wants to.

We have a lot of new people, including two pups. One hears the Munin. Glad I don't. It looks really uncomfortable. Maybe David can help her. Then, there is Kama. Brand new, apparently. What a first shift Lupinar to be involved with. Poor kid. Weirdness is that Morgan and I are assigned as her sponsors. Could be interesting. I hope I do a good job. I guess I'm opinionated enough for it, anyway. I'll need to talk to Morgan about it.

Enough for now, Diary. Talk to you another day.

bhenderson @ 2005-12-07T10:36:00

2005-12-07T17:37:03Z

I found this amusing. Considering...

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

Last Thursday I committed genocide... Sorry about that, alpha_scott (-5000 points). In July I gave orikes13 a wet willie, then I took it back (-5 points). In June I ruled Canada as a cruel and heartless dictator (-700 points). In March I turned dainewynes in for littering (3 points). Last Wednesday lucas_wolf and I robbed a bank (-50 points).

Overall, I've been naughty (-5752 points). For Christmas I deserve a moldy sandwich!

Sincerely,
bhenderson

What Will bhenderson Get ?

Xmas pressie predictor
Big wooly jumper knitted by	wickedtrouble
Pair of Socks from	sophieruss
Bottle of Whiskey from	lucas_wolf
Cd from	dainewynes
Something Cuddly from	grace_winslow
Something Intoxicating from	orikes13
Something Silly from	wickedtrouble
Something Funny from	lucas_wolf
Lump of coal from	orikes13
Something Pretty from	grace_winslow
Something Shiny from	dainewynes
Something Naughty from	sophieruss
Something Smelly from	sophieruss
Something Breakable from	dainewynes
Something Useful from	alpha_scott
Something not useful from	lucas_wolf
The Black and Decker Tool Kit from	orikes13
Livejournal account from	wickedtrouble
The Make-up Bag from	sophieruss
Stack of DVDs from	wickedtrouble
Something Geeky from	alpha_scott

Santa Baby (MeMe)

2005-12-07T05:37:44Z

Apparently, I lead a double life...

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

Last month I had a shoot-out with rival gang lords on the 5 near LA (-76 points). Last Sunday I gave wickedtrouble a kidney (1000 points). In February I gave change to a homeless guy (19 points). Last Friday I caught a purse-snatcher who stole dainewynes's purse (30 points). In November I helped orikes13 hide a body (-173 points).

Overall, I've been nice (800 points). For Christmas I deserve a Lego set!

Sincerely,
bhenderson

IC LJ

2005-12-06T04:23:16Z

Hi, all.

Well. I found out something about someone I admire that gives me a lot of pause.

I can tell that I've been spending too much on Christmas presents because everyone else was already up to speed on this. I... don't know what to think, actually. Not sure whom to talk to about it either as two of my friends are upset at each other about it. Hate to bother Zane. He's so busy. Maybe David or Madison. Haven't seen either of them for a couple of days, though. Wish I could talk to Jolene about it as it concerns her, but she's still missing. She must be okay, or Zane would would be freaking more than he is. Still, it is bothersome.

Maybe things will be better tomorrow.

IC LJ Entry

2005-12-05T06:33:24Z

Hi, all you wonderful people out there. I am sure you have been pining for an entry from me. Heh. Not. ;)

Let's see. I have not seen Jolene since Limerick's and am getting really really worried about her. As far as I can tell, she has not been home of late. Which does not sit well. I'd ask Zane about it, but he's always so busy. I hate to intrude.

Have not seen Elissa out and about much, though she is visitable at home. Such a neat woman. I'll have to see if she wants to go on a picnic, or something.

Daine and her men are still gone. I miss them. I am a little jealous of Daine and Elissa. Weird reaction, but I am. It would be different if they were not as wonderful as they are. But... clearly, they are. So... It is best not to go there.

Eden has had some training. I'll have to find my teachers and ask when mine is to begin. I've had some lessons in etiquette and so on, but not in the more esoteric things. Did find out about part of the initiation stuff. Nearly could not eat for the rest of the day. Oh, man...

Have Christmas presents almost finished. Weird feeling, that. I... am actually looking forward to it this year, for a change. Just have to figure something for Scott. He's difficult because I want very much for him to stop being so condescending and disapproving all the time. I used to think that he treated all of the younger people that way. But, he doesn't. Then, I thought it was all the women. Nope. Then, I thought it was just me, but others have said the same thing. *sigh* I guess he just does not like me. Oh well. Need to find something anyway.

Met a guy who goes by 'Paint'. Don't know why. Maybe he is an artist, or something. Seems nice in a... way too up close and personal way. But, a lot of these people are like that. Kira was very cool about getting things sorted, though.

I am glad I found the cucumber. Or Zucchini. Or whatever it was. I'm more used to vegetable mold than they are.

I'm about to fall asleep, so I'll end here. More later.

That should keep all my adoring fans happy for a while. ;) (j/k)

IC LJ Entry

2005-12-01T03:29:54Z

Jolene went with me to Limerick's to meet Sophie. It was an odd evening all around. Sammael was there too, which was a plus. Sooo good to see Sophie. Bird sent me a button. Hehe. I am going to make a collage, or a necklace or something. Don't know what yet, as the button is a bit beat up. That could be the point, I suppose. With the ball of foil from before, it could be an interesting composition...

At first, I thought it was going to be a problem as Jolene made a point to tell Sophie and Sammael that she would take personal offense if something happened to me. She is sweet to worry, but it is not necessary with them. They are good people. Sophie is my boss and said I do not need to worry about my job. It will be there for me when I am ready to be back and doing.

I finally got to meet Faith's SO. What a hunk! Wow. Heard that she is going to this really fancy thing tonight, and didn't get a reply as to whether she had something to wear so... When Hawke and his friend were ready to go, I got them to take me to a late night fabric store. I made Faith and her guy something. In case.

Jolene scared me, though. She got sick at the pub. I've never heard of her being ill before so... Yeah, I'm worried. I made her some chicken broth when she is ready to eat something. I don't know if she likes chicken broth, but it is 'good for what ails' you. I'll check on her later.